The Happy Hospital of Horrors
by Caramel Studios
Summary: Need surgery? Therapy? Blood transfusion? The Yugioh General Hospital does it all... Provided you're brave enough to let Yami&co operate on you! warning: contains bishonen in nurse dresses
1. Chapter 1

Title: Happy Hospital of Horrors

Chapter One: Pop Quiz

Disclaimer: Yes, this story _was_ written by two people, the amazing Haruka Kurosaki and Siacatmesecat. They sincerely hope you enjoy their crazy story!

Warning: This story contains blood, guts, gore, and some really sexy bishonen (in nurse uniforms)! Have fun, and don't drool _too_ much, it's bad for the keyboard!

* * *

"We've got a patient coming in, quick!" Ryuuzaki screamed over the radio. "She's um…" The sound of static could be heard coming from the device, "Hey Haga, what's the medical term for losing a lot of blood?" Isis heard distantly from her seat at the front desk of the Yugioh General Hospital.

"It's losing a lot of blood, doofus!" Haga screamed.

"Yeah, she's losing a lot of blood!"

"There _is_ medical term for that, you know," Isis hissed into the radio.

"Oh… well, she's-"

"Just shut up and get the patient in and no mistakes this time! The _last time_ you botched something we were cleaning guts off the ER doors for weeks."

She slammed the receiver down, breaking the connection; then jammed the intercom button labeled ER.

"Doctor Yami! We have a Brunette 0057 code red bunny coming in from the West entrance at 21hours!"

"What the hell does that mean?"

"Oh no!" Yami's student doctor Malik, cried. "Anzu got thrown off a cliff by rabid Yami fan girls again!"

"I'm afraid so," Isis said darkly. "Prepare the tools. We're going to have to operate."

The doors blasted open as Haga and Ryuuzaki sailed through, a screaming Anzu lying across the stretcher between them. Yami and Malik stood grimly on one side of the operating table as Ryuuzaki and Haga placed the girl on it, probably causing her even more pain.

Yami leaned over his hysteric patient and smiled his patented sexy-look-with-absurd-purple-eyes smile.

"Don't worry," he said smoothly, causing the screaming to stop. "It's just a simple surgery. You won't feel any pain at all. Well, except for the mind-numbing, soul-killing agony of having your left leg cut off, of course. Malik, hand me the chainsaw."

The screaming resumed as Malik handed Yami a huge, rusty, whirring chainsaw. Yami smiled again, and with a cheerful, "Think of it as a game!" proceeded to saw Anzu's leg off. Her right one.

"Oops." Yami said innocently. He turned to shrug at Malik.

"Okay, Malik, This is a pop quiz. What do you do when you amputate the wrong limb?"

"Uh… Make sure you get the right one anyway?"

"Great idea!" the spiky-haired doctor said enthusiastically. He sawed off Anzu's left leg, just as the door to the operating room opened and Bakura, the blood specialist, walked in.

Anzu fainted from blood loss, and the two doctors frowned, trying to figure out what to do next.

"Hey," said Bakura, glancing over Yami's shoulder, "She's losing a lot of blood. You should call Bakura."

"You're Bakura!"

"Really?" He seemed surprised by this. "Lemme check… bunny ears… evil nasal voice… sudden desire to rip you limb from limb… Hey, I guess you're right." He took another quick look at the patient before then screaming,

"Nurses! We need blood on the double!"

There was a loud bang that echoed through the room before 4 children came scampering through the doors. All four were decked out in cute little pink nurse's uniforms, the matching pink and red hat settled neatly onto each head.

The only creepy thing about them was that 3 of the 4 nurses happened to be boys and therefore looked a little out of place in their short pink skirts. The shortest, Yugi, was pushing a trolley loaded with red bags.

"We didn't know what type of blood you needed… so we brought all of them." Yugi said, smiling.

"Yeah, you should be more specific," muttered a dark-haired nurse who could have passed for a girl even without the dress. "We've got work to do too, you know."

"Hn. Come on, Mokuba, you're talking to a man who couldn't even remember his own name, like he's gonna know what kind of blood types there are." Rebecca scoffed.

"Stop picking on 'Kura-chan!" Ryou sniffed defensively.

Rebecca giggled. "It's Kura-chan now, is it?"

"Well he is my Yami!" Ryou stuck out his tongue at her, crossing his arms over his chest.

"You idiot, that's only in the anime, this is just a sick fanfic so therefore there's no connection!"

"Really?"

"Yeah, now shush!"

"Whatever," Bakura said, shrugging. "It's all blood. Red… coppery… good on steak…"

"Okay then… Here ya go, sir!" Yugi rushed forward and handed the blood bag to Bakura.

"Thank you nurse #1, okay now it's time to put the blood into the patient… how do you do that again?"

Yami leaned in and whispered in his ear,

"Just guess; that's what I always do."

"Sounds good to me!" Bakura opened the sac and started reaching in before suddenly turning back to the four nurses. "Nurses, I think it would be best if you left the room."

"Why sir?" Mokuba asked, tilting his head adorably.

"Well, nurse #3, this kind of operation tends to get a little messy, and we wouldn't want that cute little pink uniform of yours getting all bloody now, would we?"

"No sir!" They all chorused, a similar look of disappointment and blood lust reflected in their eyes as they slowly filed out of the operating room.

"Now that they're gone it's time to operate! Malik, open up her IV bag-- I'm gonna pour the blood in." Bakura grabbed a random bag of blood and stood, waiting for Malik.

"What blood type is she?" Yami asked, slapping Anzu in a vain attempt to wake her up.

"I don't know; it's not like it matters anyway." Bakura ripped the bag open and poured the thick red liquid into Anzu's life support. "This should start to work in a few minutes." The bag, now empty, was tossed to the floor as they all stared at their twitching patient.

After a few minutes Anzu began to convulse. The type AB- blood was mixing with hers in a negative way, speeding up her heart and slowly killing her. She snapped awake in seconds and her screams pierced the silence.

"What the-." Malik was cut off as he received a solid kick to the gut (which was strange, since Anzu no longer had legs), sending him sprawling to the ground.

Anzu twitched a moment more, than with one last shudder lay still.

"Oops." Bakura said innocently. "I guess that's not how you do blood transfusions." The three doctors all stared blankly at the corpse. In the end, it was Bakura who moved first.

He cheerfully sailed over to the phone mounted on the wall and hit the speed-dial for the resident undertaker's.

"Hey… Seto? Remember that favor you owed me?"

"Who," a bored male voice asked from the other end, "Did you kill this time?"

Later that night the hospital staff was all relaxing in their break rooms before leaving for the night when a familiar, lazy voice announced over the intercom,

"All hospital personnel report to the conference room immediately, please." The nurses looked at one another with worry.

"Uh-oh…" Rebecca whispered. "Now they're gonna get it for killing another patient…" Nodding their heads in agreement, the nurses silently filed out of the room and into the hallway. It was time for a little "chat" with the boss.

- -A/N- -

Siacatmesecat: Wow! Remind me to NEVER go to that hospital… scaaaary…

Haruka: You got that right! Although I did like the blood transfusion part!

Noah: You freaks.

Haruka: Yep! That's us! glomps Noah

Siacatmesecat: Ruu-chan… His face is turning purple… I don't think that's healthy…

Noah: gagging noises

Haruka: It's all good! We can always call an ambulance- hey wait…

Siacatmesecat: O.o twitching

All (except Noah): See ya next time! Noah still gagging


	2. Chapter 2

Happy Hospital of Horrors: Side Story #1 Show You Care

This story was written by Siacatmesecat for your amusement. It does not affect the main plot of _Hospital_, and is intended just for laughs. Please enjoy!

- -Disclaimer- -

Authors: Of course we own Yugioh!

Gullible Idiot: Really?

Authors: No!

It was late afternoon on February the thirteenth. In front of the Yugioh General Hospital, two nurses in frilly pink dresses carefully set a sign up in front of the hospital. Finished, they walked back in through the front doors. From her reception desk, Isis waved them over.

"Yugi? Ryou? What were you doing?" she asked, not seeming in the least disturbed that the nurses in the adorable dresses were…boys?

The shorter one (although his rather vertical hairdo made up for his lack of height) smiled and replied,

"We were putting up a sign for Bakura, y'know, about the Valentine's blood drive?"

"We're having a Valentine's blood drive?"

Ryou, the other nurse, looked surprised.

"Well, that's what Kura-chan said!"

Isis frowned.

"Funny… I didn't foresee that… get back to work, you two. There's something fishy going on here."

As Yugi and Ryou headed back to their wards, Isis picked up her phone and dialed the blood specialist's department.

"Hello?" answered a rather nasal voice. "What do you want? I'm busy torturing someone, I mean, uh, saving their lives by giving them a blood transfusion! Yeah, a nice, innocent, blood transfusion… Can I call you back later?"

In the background Isis heard someone (probably a patient) screaming in pain, followed by the unmistakable sound of someone (probably Bakura) rendering them unconscious.

"What's this about a blood drive?"

"Oh, is that all?" Bakura asked, trying to sound innocent. In the background Isis heard the repeated sound of something sharp and metallic (like a knife) repeatedly stabbing into something unconscious (like a patient).

"Y'see, I felt so bad for all of the people who need blood; Valentine's seemed like the perfect day to ask for it."

"Then why weren't the rest of us notified? Is it possible you're trying to get something out of this?" Isis asked dryly. In the background, the stabbing (and subsequent screaming) stopped. She shrugged.

"You sound like you think I'm some kind of villain. What do you think I am? A thief or something!" Bakura asked, sounding mortally offended.

"I wouldn't hurt a fly!" There was a slight guilty pause, followed by nervous laughter, and, "Or a patient…"

Isis sighed.

"Fine. Have fun." Then she slammed down the receiver.

--Next Day--

A giggling queue of Bakura fan girls lined up in the donation room, waiting to donate blood. Behind the door, Bakura faced the nurses.

"Here's the plan. Yugi—lock the door so they don't escape. Ryou—go in their and do a pep talk or something. Make them unsuspecting. Rebecca—bring my equipment into the adjoining room. Mokuba—sharpen the knives."

"Yes sir!" the nurses chorused, then ran off to fulfill their duties. Bakura followed Rebecca to another small room hooked to the donations room.

In the other room, Ryou had the fan girls form a more orderly line, and gave them all forms to fill out.

One of the girls read her form aloud.

"'Name:

Age:

Phone number:

People who will wonder where you went when you don't come back'—wait that's scribbled out, it says

'friends', and then

Blood type:

Notice—fields marked with a symbol are optional'."

"Sounds perfectly legal to me!" another fan girl cheered.

Bakura opened the door and smiled at his fans.

"Alright, then, who wants to be my first victim, er, casualty, er, patient!"

All of the fans raised their hands. Ryou backed out of the room to find an alibi as the line dissolved and Bakura randomly grabbed a girl and dragged her into the next room.

"What's your name?"

"Um… Emily?"

Bakura smiled.

"Hi Emily! If you'll take a seat over there," he waved to a chair, "We'll get started!"

In the other room, the fan girls waited their turns.

"Why do you think he locked the door?" someone asked.

"Probably so he wouldn't get glomped?" someone suggested. "Or maybe," she added thoughtfully, "So his first victim wouldn't escape?"

All of the fans looked at one another.

"Nah."

"No way."

"He wouldn't do that!"

"Is that the sound of an innocent fan screaming as she's repeatedly stabbed?" someone else asked.

"Nah."

"No way."

"He wouldn't do that!"

"You're hearing things!"

"Hey, that sounds kind of like a blood-thirsty psychopath sucking someone's blood out!" squeaked one fan girl.

They all looked at each other, then shook their heads.

"Nah."

"No way."

"He wouldn't do that!"

"You're hearing things!"

"I can't wait for my turn!"

In the back room, Bakura smiled happily.

"Meheheh… Today is going very nicely." And with that he went outside to find his next victim, er, casualty, er, patient!

- -A/N- -

Sia: I hope you liked it! Yes, it isn't the best, but anyways, happy Valentine's and to all of the "Kura-chan" fans—stay away from blood donations!


End file.
